He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
