RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
