I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize