I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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