At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
