its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
