Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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