Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
