I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
