turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
