I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
