we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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