So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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