Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
