im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
