it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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