the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
