also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
