I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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