This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
