Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I didn't notice because vodka
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
