when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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