I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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