i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
