ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
