you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
