I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
