wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
