omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
