You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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