well you can't waste a boner
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
