This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize