i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
