so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
