Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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