I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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