dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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