hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
