This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
