I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
