I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize