I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
