I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
