Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
