I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
