well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
