I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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