The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You can't just leave with hair like that
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
