how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
