What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
