come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
