i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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