I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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