remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
