Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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