my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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