ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
