You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
