Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
