I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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