I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
