Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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