you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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