Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
