Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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