I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
