walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Houston, we have a blender
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
