I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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